Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Obama had the Knights Templar Killed...f'realz

Last night I went to a Brewery Dinner with some friends downtown. The brewery of choice was Ommegang (makers of Three Philosophers, Witt and Hennepin), the food was awesome (shrimp tabbouleh, little necks with chourico) but some of the pairings were off (herb chicken with strong flavored beer and strong alcoholic-y beer with chocolate and vanilla ice cream). All of this, however, pales in comparison to our conversations at the end of the night with a crazy ass, radioactive tomato government conspiracy guy who, for the sake of conversation, we'll call...The Greatest Man To Ever Live (TGMTEL from here on out because acronyms are the shit).

UPDATE: I've created a movie about it...with ROBOTS!!1!!one!!!!



Our conversations began as he was waiting for the bathroom and introduced himself as [scene missing]. After his first thought bomb about "generically [sic] engineered" tomatoes that have a "shelf-life of 6 months due to a tiny dose of radiation", however, he quickly attained the TGMTEL moniker. Before he left us to relieve himself he asked us to think about the origins of two phrases: 1) "Hit the head" and 2) "A little birdie told me..." His explanation of the former was brief but interupted by my desire to know the answer to #2. What followed was a long and magical journey through time and space with no heed to logic or commonsense at any point. The dialog that follows is paraphrased and commented on in ( ) to illuminate key points but is true to what happened and not fabricated because, honestly, I could never dream to be this batshit crazy.

Me: So, where did "A little bird told me..." come from?

TGMTEL: You see the Rothchild family, second generation (this would be the German Jewish banking dynasty beginning in the late 18th century), they had lots of places all over and they were trying to communicate to each other. The Templetons, though, came in and they were looking for the treasure of Israel (annnd you lost me). For a long time they looked in the hills and finally they figured out where it was. What did they find? Who knows, coulda been the covenant or (at this point I have on my thinking cap) it coulda been the 1st bible which was written by the Greeks (f'realz?) but lost over 2,000 years ago.

Me: Templetons? Do you mean the Knights Templar?

TGMTEL: Yes, exactly! (our journey moves to the 12th century!) So they found where it was and the Christian Crusades were a total sham (wasn't there a movie about this?) because the Knights of Templar were then killed on Friday the 13th. The NEXT year, though, the Pope and the King of France were killed on Friday the 13th the next year for retrobution. Which means, now they in charge of all the money! (wait, who?) Why did you think switzerland and portugal were neutral in WWII? (and we're off to the 20th century!) You see, and now that's why you got Obama (to the 21st century, and beyond!) now proliferating the New World Order.

Me: Right, makes sense.

TGMTEL: I wrote a book report on this in 1974 (book = "How the Jews Took Over: One Crazy Ass Story") and a Senate Review Committee looked it over and they said there was definately grounds for a conspiracy investigation.

At this point none of us could wrap our heads around what just happened. TGMTEL wondered away to the otherside of the table where someone asked him what he did for a living. He gave no specifics, or even non-specifics, as he basically just threw down two government contractor IDs and babbled about lord knows what.

All in all, best bar night ever.

4 comments:

Julie said...

Aaaah, so that's where "a little bird told me" came from.

Seriously, he didn't even mention the Trilateral Commission? Lame.

Nick said...

I don't even know what to add. I've been laughing for five minutes, though.

Derek said...

It gets better, folks - this is the part where Ryan says "babbled about lord knows what."

So, as The New Bedford Chili Guy (TGMTEL) was leaving Cork he added in a few more things, we wanted to know about his profession.

He took out his wallet, and showed us a picture of him, his wife and his 5 kids, plus two "government contractor" IDs. He claimed he was a merchant marine. He then followed with these statements:

"Yah, this is a picture of my family. Me, my wife, my five kids. I've lost them all, you know. All 5 of them. And that's my wife. Ya know, she got a 16,000$ boob job and was sleeping around and going out, but you know what? That's OK, because I know my soul is worth so much more. I spent my time in Iraq and Afghanistan. My soul is worth a lot."

I'm not sure if the military has a weight limit, but he far exceeded it. He was not a small man in height, and width.

Anonymous said...

I like the robot re-enactment. :-)

Maggie