Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Me = Coolest Person of All-Time

Not only am I dressed up as Gregory House, MD for Halloween (I've got the cane, snarky attitude and everything) but I just bought the greatest t-shirt ever constructed by man (I've never seen an alien t-shirt, but I'm assuming they're better).


Next time you see me in concert I will be wearing this shirt. I also will be wearing it while eating, working, bathing, sleeping and running...forever. For those who are between the age of 22 and 28 and don't get the reference, shame on you. For all others, this t-shirt represents the greatest TV band ever assembled in a San Fransisco townhouse owned by a single dad named Danny and comprised of a man known simply as "Uncle Jesse" and his pointlessly large band of merry, mullet wearing, 80's-out compatriots (yes, even the women).

Monday, October 22, 2007

The Good, The Bad & The Extremely Stupid

It's been a glorious and frustrating time since we've last spoken, much to talk about. I'm lazy though, so you know what that means...lists! This morning I bring to you a post filled with many (ok, three) awe-inspiring, cynical, cheery (unicorns?) lists. You must be ecstatic.

The Good
  • Dustin Pedroia: You just have to love Jody Reed 2.0.
  • Records: I now have Tumbleweed Connection on vinyl...yes, I am that cool and no, you can't be my friend Tom.
  • Tom Brady: I know you're humble and all that stuff, but don't you just wanna go up to Peyton Manning, shrug your shoulders and say, "You got pwned."
  • 8-Bit Nintendo: There's no greater joy than controlling a tiny pixelated Italian Plumber to save a princess from a destructive, fire-breathing lizard.
The Bad
  • Julio Lugo, Red Sox SS: Remember that baseball bloopers scene from Naked Gun where the lion attacks the shortstop? ::contented sigh::
  • The Miami Dolphins Defense: So many jokes, so little talent.
  • Ryan Adams: Extremely bad, but in the super awesome "I record an album a day" kinda way.
The Extremely Stupid
  • Ryan Garko, Indians DH: Champagne also tastes just as good on the golf course while listening to the Red Sox on the radio.
  • Students: How do you fail an assignment where you copy someone else's code, run it and just tell me what happens...anyone?
  • Joel Skinner: Were you just upset because your wife stopped you at third base too?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Things That Really Grind My Geeeeeahs

I'm really looking forward to the next few weeks. This weekend I'll be playing music for old people (I get to play loud because they can't hear!) and hitting up the MIT SwapFest Sunday with the uber girlfriend...mmm technology. Then next week I get to frighten my students with a midterm...muhahaha! I am an evil, evil man.

Today, however, is devoted to giving thanks. Yes, yes, I realize Thanksgiving is still a month away but why can't I give thanks every day? So in the spirit of ranting, oops, I mean thanking (silly me, what am I thinking?) I'll be thanking all those people recently that really grind my geeeeeeahs!

All Grind Rates are rated out of 11...because I said so.

Jack from Millers Homeport
For the last two years I've been playing every Wednesday night at Miller's Homeport with my buddy Brad. We're are nothing fancy but we turn out some decent cover tunes and, if you're lucky, we might play one of our 3 original tunes! At the beginning we used to draw a huge (mostly college) crowd but over the last 7 months it's been dwindling. Last night we played to 4 people...that's right, 4 people! At the end of the night the bartender told us we wouldn't be getting paid...we're getting a pink slip! So I'd like to thank Jack the sleezy owner who was actually there in person before we played. Thank you Jack for not promoting us for the last two years. And thank you for having us play past closing when it's busy for no extra money. Most of all though, thanks for screwing us over one last time by getting a free show out of us. You truly are a world-class douchebag.

Grinding Rating: 666 e's

Al Gore
I blame you sir for stealing my Fall, the most glorious of all seasons. If you hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize the Weather wouldn't have gotten all those "global warming " ideas in it's head. Now, the Weather has latched onto your views and feels that there's no better time for 75 degree weather than the middle of October. So thank you Al Gore for allowing me to get all the climatic benefits of Florida in New England with none of the old people in golf carts.

Grind Rating: 7 e's, a drowning polar bear and two melting glaciers

Christopher Columbus
Last Monday was Columbus Day. A time for discovery, peace and the phrase "Wait, why is this a holiday?". Due to this abrupt change in schedule my class and lab for Tuesday was canceled...let the stupidity rein. When my course resumed on Thursday I was about to continue my series of lectures until I was asked the following question:

"There's no lab today right?" annoymous dummy, I mean student asks.
"No, there will be lab today. Just Tuesday's lab was canceled, " I informed the class to relieve (or so I thought) any confusion.
"Wait, so Tuesday class doesn't have to do the lab? That's not fair."
"Tuesday will do the lab on Tuesday. No one is skipping anything."

This went on for some time and by the end kids in Thursday's lab were still convinced they were getting screwed. The extra time off on Columbus Day also has seemed to have an amnesiatic effort on the entire class. In lab they could not do perform even the simplest tasks of using printf() and when presented the lab assignment most put their hands in the air and gave up refusing to believe my explanation that they've done EVERYTHING before. So I thank you Christopher Columbus for getting hammered on the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria, drunk boating across the Atlantic (true story...it's in history books and shit), totally missing the Indies, claiming to have discovered new land (even though there kinda were already people here when you landed) forcing universities across America to praise you one day out of the year. Oh, and thanks for taking that day to shoot a memory loss ray gun at college students...true story.

Grind Rating: 2 Nautical Miles of e's


Terry Fran-coma
Hi Terry,

How are you today? Not good? Aww, how come? Is it because in the 11th inning of a pivotal tie game in the ALCS you decided to pitch Eric Gagne (10+ERA and 5 blown saves since coming to the Sox) and he (predictably) lost the game for you? Or maybe it's because in Game 4 you thought it'd be a good idea to pitch Tim Wakefield who'd been injured for the last month and not pitched one game instead of Jon Lester who's 4-0 and pitching extremely well lately?

Ooo, I got it! I bet you're sad because you're reasoning for sticking with JD Drew is falling apart due to his .231 average and ZEEEEERO RBI. No? Could it be because Coco Crisp suddenl thinks strikeouts are the bees knees while Jacoby Ellsbury (the future of the Red Sox and best OF you have this side of Manny) is sits on the bench watching you rock back and forth like a mental patient?

Well, I just wanted to say hey and thank you for really doing your damnedest to be the biggest reason why the Red Sox won't be in the World Series this year. Great job!

there's always next year,
The Uber Geek

Grind Rating: x+4 e's | x = a number no one has even discovered yet

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Chuck Norris Powers

I had a nice weekend due mainly to my newfound Chuck Norris powers. Since taking his name in to instantiate Team Chuck Norris during a game of Cranium I have performed feats previously thought to be impossible for a man such as myself. Feats including:
  • Time Travel
    • While driving home from Polly's Pancakes in Sugar Hill, NH (greatest pancakes EVER!) I felt the ride was taking too long so I put my head down. Next thing I know it's an hour later...time travel.
  • Single-handedly Constructing the University of New Hampshire
    • I went up to visit the school because they have a pretty cool computer science doctoral program (that's right, I'm so cool I go to OTHER schools on the weekends). I have never actually seen UNH before so I must conclude that I dynamically constructed the entire campus with my eyes as I drove there.
  • Psychic Abilities
    • During a friendly game of cranium my Team Chuck Norris teammate and I were able to deftly deduce clues to solve some of the world's most puzzling riddles...with our minds! Seriously, tell me how many times you've been able to sculpt a T-Bone steak so accurately you've won the Nobel Peace Prize for it?
  • Climate Control
    • All last week I had been complaining that Fall had disappeared. Sometime in the middle of September the weather had hinted at turning towards Fall. Shortly after, however, Summer returned with it's 80 degree weather, sun and blah blah blah...lame. Friday though I said, "It better be cold this weekend in NH." Guess what. It was 59 degrees, a perfect Fall weekend. This means the weather is my bitch. If I want it to snow in the middle of August, it's gonna snow...I have the power.
There is seemingly no end to these powers. I'm envisioning walking into class today and being able to have each of my students instantaneously learn everything about C by me saying, "Learn C." On an unrelated note of stupidity (though I was talking about my course, so stupidity is always related), I was greeted by a story from my co-worker (and I use the term loosely, especially the "worker" part) this morning upon entering the office. Apparently there's been a problem with the SmartBoard for "a few weeks" (there isn't...but I won't dash his dreams just yet) and, you know, he's been trying his darnedest but just couldn't figure it out.

"This morning at my desk, though, I finally figured it out," he told me while chuckling annoyingly. "I was trying to install Office 2007 which was on a DVD but the computer only has CD drives."

I can't even put into words my disappointment to hear that a Computer Science major took "weeks" to figure out the difference between a DVD and a CD drive

Maybe my students aren't as dumb as I thought.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Class Move

Yesterday Miami Dolphin QB Trent Green was sidelined with a concussion after applying a (legal) block on Houston Texan DT Travis Johnson. During the block Johnson's knee slammed into Green's helmet leaving Green motionless on the field...a scary moment. After a few moments he was carted off the field on a stretcher and will probably miss a few games with a concussion. Wow, football is a rough sport. Amazing to think a simple block could lead to a nasty injury like that. The most important thing though is that he's ok, right Travis?
"Fuck Trent Green, because the bottom line is, it was a malicious hit. It was uncalled for, " Johnson said. "He's like the scarecrow. He wants to get courage while I wasn't looking, and hit me in my knee instead of trying to hit me in my head. God don't like ugly, you know what I mean? My knee ain't never hurt like it hurt today. If you want to hit me, hit me in my head, hit me in my chest, don't hit me in my knee. I'm trying to eat just like everybody else. So, to hit me like that, that showed me what type of a man he was."
Well said Mr. Johnson. God sure does hate ugly, and that's why Trent Green got exactly what he deserved: a potentially long-term brain injury which could cost him years on his life. Though I believe it was the Lion who was looking for courage, but no matter, I'm getting away from Mr. Johnson's well put point. Trent Green (217 lbs.) impeded Mr. Johnson's (305 lbs.) ability to eat by maliciously blindsiding (or "blocking") the defensive tackle...fuck Trent Green indeed.

Can someone see if there's a penalty for saying the dumbest thing ever?

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Browns vs. Mini-Patriots

It's just about kickoff and I'm ready to go. I've got Mountain Dew, burgers, chips, a laptop, HD picture and the satisfaction that I just created the greatest acronym ever (FOWL-S...I'm making a simplified version of OWL-S which I'm calling fake OWL-S...I'm amazing). So off we go with the live (illegal) blogging. I'll write a bunch of stuff and then post it every 15-20 min or something...gosh, get off my case!

12:51: Pregame with Dan, Shannon and Boomer. I know he's been retired forever and I should just let this go but...wouldn't it be awesome if Shannon Sharpe just leveled Dan Marino?
1:03: Browns 0 Patriots 0...closest score all game?
1:10: Wow, Randy Moss really sucks
1:12: Someone forgot to tell the Browns they don't have to count MISSISSIPPI's before rushing the quarterback
1:16: 5-6 57 yards on opening drive and only a field goal? C'mon! Put in Cassell.
1:23: Am I wrong in thinking Ellis Hobbs is the greatest thing ever? Yeah, you're right, I'm not.
1:26: Fun facts:
  1. Willie MacGinnest was #55 for the Patriots for near a decade. The year after he left Junior Seau joined the Patriots after coming out of retirement and now wears #55. Big Willie took exception to this.
  2. Willie MacGinnest took #55 as a rookie in honor of Junior Seau (#55 for San Diego Chargers)
  3. Junior Seau just picked off a pass in the endzone..eat it Willie.
1:30: The proliferation of Dodge ads makes me want to buy one. Sorry, that's not what I meant. I meant to say "The proliferation of Dodge ads makes me want to get a time machine, go back to when CBS sold ad time to Dodge and punch everyone in the room."
1:33: First Asante picks off Anderson (again) then Donte "I kinda look like Randy Moss" Stallworth shakes that guy off like those bugs on the banana in Smooth Moves. The rout is on.
1:42: Oh my god, the Brown's Punter (Scott Player) is the coolest looking football player ever. Not only does he have the one bar mask (hardcore), he has a bleach blonde molester mustache!
1:47: Laurence Maroney has barely played today. They don't seem to be missing a beat, but I'm curious as to where's Laurence?
1:49: Well, there you go. Laurence has an injured crotchal region...thank you Dan Fouts.
1:51: I bet if Tom Brady was throwing to Tom Brady there would never be a dropped pass. I vote we sign these guys in the offseason.
1:54: If Webster had a definition for "overdramatic" Dan Fouts would be pictured...oh, they do. Hi Dan.
1:59: Sammy Morris is a truck. On a sidenote, Randy Moss has not played much of a role today (minus a couple small catches and a nice block two seconds ago). I wonder if today is the day he finally falters back to bad Randy or we finally go "wow, this guy really is a team player." Something to think about. Also think about Shrinky Dinks.
2:05: Another field goal. I'm afraid to say, but the Browns are one big play from being right in this game.
2:12: CBS just lost their HD signal. This is just awful. How am I supposed to see the amount of plaque on Matt Light's teeth now?
2:17: Scare over...HD back...Matt Light needs to brush more.
2:18: Interception #2 on the day for Junior Seau. Hey, where's Adalius going and why is he limping?
2:19: Much love for Donte Stallworth today from Tom Brady. They need a touchdown on this drive.
2:21: Ben Watson couldn't have been more wide open. I've just realized I've been calling Dan Dierdorf "Dan Fouts" all afternoon. Wow, what was I thinking. That's like mixing up Randy Cross and Paul Maguire...yeah, exactly.
2:25: Teddy Bruschi's got wings yo.
2:29: Halftime at Gillete: Pats 20 Browns 0. The scary thing is it should be 28-0. I'll be back for the start of the 3rd quarter. Now it's time to figure out how I'm gonna teach functions in C this week (I live an adventurous life).
2:43: Things that are indestructible: stainless steel, Chuck Norris, quarks, Adalius Thomas.
2:47: Who calls an end around for a tight-end?
2:54: I still say the Browns are one big play from getting back in this game. The Pats have had too many missed opportunities on offense (only a New England fan would complain about being up 20-0).
2:58: And the Browns are on the board, 20-3 Pats.
3:03: I feel like I could recite the plotline for every CBS show.
3:05: Worst quarter of the season for the Patriots. The offense needs a touchdown on the next drive.
3:11: Rodney Harrison redeems that stupid facemask penalty...ouch.
3:12: Seriously, it doesn't get cooler than Scott Player.
3:17: Staaaaaaagnant.
3:19: Its a whole new ballgame if the Browns find the endzone. Dan, I'm with you. After three it's still 20-3.
3:25: Great, juuuuuust great. Browns just got a big play, 20-10. Umm, can I order a Randy Moss touchdown please?
3:32: Wes Welker is what I call "gritty". Touchdown...we need a touchdown.
3:36: They make it look so easy, 27-10.
3:42: Sometimes I feel Belichick just gets bored and challenges anything (great catch by Braylon Edwards).
3:46: Dear Dan Dierdorf,
That was a designed pitchout to the WR. Please pay attention.
you're welcome,
Uber Geek
3:48: Vince Wilfork scares the crap out of me.
3:52: Heath Evans, you're a douchebag...we need another TD!
3:57: We're gonna beat the Browns by 10? Really?
3:58: What the hell is happening? How did Tom Tom miss that pass to Moss?
4:04: This lackadaisical game is actually good for the Pats. Now they'll probably get a huge fire lit under their ass for the big game against Dallas next weekend. I would not want to be in the meetings on Monday morning.
4:14: Randall Gay keeps the 30 point streak alive with a fumble recovery for touchdown...under review
4:16: Ruling on the field stands. Patriots have scored 21 points off turnovers today
4:19: No touchdown, no touchdown, no touchdown...
4:21: Ellis Hobbs is the man. Patriots win 34-17, time to see how the Sox are doing in Anaheim. Oh, look at that back-to-back homers by Ortiz and Manny...what a time to be alive.

Daaaaa Patriots

It's a cool Sunday afternoon here in New England. That's right, screw you summmer, fall is finally back (with football and everything). Lately, the Patriots have been rolling over the NFL with Chuck Norris like destruction and I find myself acting like a Patriots version of the Bears super fans.



For example, my prediction for todays game against the Browns is as follows (like such as):

Patriots 437 Browns 0

Where the entire offensive line for the Patriots is shrunk to 2 feet tall, Randy Moss can't use his hands (still catches 11 TDs), the Patriots are only allowed 2 downs, the Browns use 15 players and Tom Brady must throw left-handed while giving Vince Wilfork piggy-back rides during every offensive play...you can take that to the bank.

Therefore, due to my super fan status of late I've decided to have a live blogpost during this afternoon's game. It's gonna be long...and awesome.

UPDATE: This endeavor may put my on the outs with the Feds and/or NFL for the crime of "blogging"

Friday, October 5, 2007

I'm Back...Kinda, Not Really

Hi my name is The Uber Geek and I used to update my blog all the time. Recently I came down with a sickness that made desire to work more than have fun. I have begun to seek medical attention and after drinking a few beers the last couple nights I'm on my way to recovery. After a long night of playing Metroid Prime 3 on the wii and watching the Red Sox I believe I can finally assimilate back into my normal life. Until then I will leave you with a list of random stuff that's happened since my last post.
  • Found the greatest resource ever: MIT CourseWare
  • Made one of my students cry (yes, I do teach college...and, no, it wasn't a girl)
  • The Red Sox and Patriots made me happy (for now)
  • I'm goin to Cupertino bitches (for those who don't know its Apple's secret little, developer land...not unlike my Developer Land)
  • Apparently I'm really close to being the house band for the New Wave Cafe (what?)
  • Still not finding a halloween costume
  • Woot-offing (wow, that sounds so much dirtier than it intended)
  • Not writing blog posts ::single tear::
P.S. worst. blog post. ever.